Looking back on the past few months, I’m realizing that I am in a downward spiral. I have been crashing and burning emotionally and in everything that I do, and the coming winter months aren’t helping with that. Let’s backup and reflect on what’s happening in my life.
I have been in the job search since June. It’s December 1st. That alone, I think, can send someone down in a fiery pit of depression. Rejection and “no thank you’s” are coming from every direction and it feels like being punched in the stomach, except with every “no” you get weaker and weaker. Not only that, but now that I have moved away from home (with my parents helping me, thank god for them), there’s an added pressure and sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. There have been days where I’ve stopped eating because I’m stressed and all I can do is worry. Sounds healthy, right.
Speaking of not eating and being healthy, the one good relationship that I had (which wasn’t even a relationship, I don’t know what to call it) ended a couple of months ago. And for some reason I still hurt from that and with no job and nothing going on, it’s hard to get distracted. And it’s hard when the only person you really used to talk to, stops talking to you. But anyway, this should be the least of my worries (it’s not).
But it’s time to unplug for a little bit. And get my life together. It’s been time.
Today I went for a run outside and the wind was so cold against my face that I had tears coming down (from the wind), but then the tears turned into real tears and I sat in the park and just cried to myself. I could feel myself getting sick. Today’s the first real cold day here. And that’s when my phone died. It just died. It was at 75% percent battery and it died and wouldn’t turn back on. Take it as you will, but I took that as the biggest sign of all. So I sat on the cold ground at the park, with my headphones still in, and cried. And then I came home and it’s been an hour since my phone has been off. I don’t know how long I can go without it because it is important for life, but my goal is to turn in back on around 6. In 5 hours. Time to unplug from the world and focus on myself.
In reality, there’s a lot to be thankful for. A lot. My parents, the roof above my head, the opportunities I have (and need to find and take), and my best friends who happen to be my neighbors and have been there for me through the thick and thin. Everything is okay, and could be a lot worse. It doesn’t feel that way, but I have to believe that, or I might actually spiral down and crash and burn. And we don’t need that.
If you’ve stuck around thus far, thanks for listening to me rant. It was much needed.
Unplug for a bit. I’ll let you know if it works. But I hear it should.